Shame on Me

On Sunday, October 20th, 2013 I went to lunch with my family at a restaurant in Beirut. We don’t go out often, because to do so we have to get past the homework, the hangovers, the late work nights, and the family duties. But the rare and wonderful times that we do go out together, we head on over to a restaurant (in one car, so it looks a little like Little Miss Sunshine )– and the first thing we do is scan the people around us.

We giggle to ourselves as we watch the couples who eat in silence, for whom time has run their river of conversation dry. We chuckle at the botched plastic surgery jobs, we “aww” at the little ones with gorgeous curly locks, and we always, always, tut tut in disappointment at the families who have brought the help.

Let me preface this debate by saying, I can understand that not everyone treats their “help” badly. I can understand that many, many families have a loving and wonderful relationship with their housekeepers. I can understand that she often comes out with them to lunch, and sits and eats a nice meal and has a lovely time. Fair enough.

But then I turn that around and I ask myself: how would you feel if you lived with your boss 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for indefinite amounts of time? Even if I loved my boss to the extent that they felt like family, isn’t it natural to crave space? To need it? Do I have to endure my working environment 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

When we talk about labor rights, and complain about being underpaid and overworked, we come right home to someone who is feeling the exact same way – except they don’t get to go home.  For the housekeepers, home is work and work is home. Round the clock.

On Sunday, October 20th, 2013, I went to lunch. At the table behind me, a family with a young child brought in their housekeeper/children’s nanny. She was dressed in a uniform that looked like blue hospital scrubs. They walked in and she assumed position, where she stood behind a chair, as the family assembled into their seats. She stood there for the entire duration of their lunch. She did not sit. She did not eat. She did not grab a glass of water.

I contemplated getting up and saying something. I contemplated sending dessert over to her, and telling her that it can get better. But I didn’t want to hurt her or subject her to further embarrassment. So I snapped a picture, and uploaded it onto social media sites. I rallied my sister and my brother. The three of us sat there, building a war room on our table. We were enraged. 

300 retweets, 250 shares, and countless Instagram notifications later, I receive a comment. The comment says that I don’t know anything. That the family repeatedly asked her to sit down. That she refused, because she didn’t want to eat. That they did not leave her to stand; it was her choice! Her choice, guys!

I panicked. Did I wrongly accuse these people? Why was I so quick to judge? Did my sense of righteousness get the best of me? My cowardice took over. I removed the photo. I felt it was unfair to blame these people for abuse they did not commit.

But as the hours went by, I got angrier – this time at myself. I shouldn’t have taken the photo down.Even if the housekeeper didn’t want to eat, or sit down, the family should have insisted. Instead, they kept her on her feet, in uniform, staring as they ate their expensive meal. (Not to mention that Sunday should have been her day off!)

They did not make sure she had the same Sunday lunch that they did. There was no equality on this windy Sunday afternoon.

I was a coward who wanted to believe in the goodness of people. It couldn’t be that bad right? Now, hours later, I am still repulsed.  This wasn’t about this lunch, but about the state of our society.

We live in a society where a migrant worker is treated as a lesser human being. When will she be looked at as a woman, who has left behind her whole world to care for ours? When will we realize that she deserves everything we get and more, but that we deprive her of it due to blind racism?

We keep her uniform on, so that she is recognized as the “Help” and never as one of us.

An even when we try, if she still feels too awkward or ostracized to sit at the table, that is our fault.

We are the ones who must make sure that she is comfortable and not subjected to this racist abuse.

We must ensure that she is treated as humanely as possible and accept for her only what we would accept for ourselves. That means no uniforms, no rooms without windows, no 24 hour working schedules, vacations, days off, phones, a life outside of the home, respect, kindness, professionalism.

Respect.

Do not put your Celine bag on the chair, when the woman who raises your kids can sit there. Insist that she sit down. Insist that she eat, that she rests. Shame on you because you didn’t insist. Shame on the restaurant. Shame on all of us, for not speaking up more often.

And shame on me.

 

136 Comments

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136 responses to “Shame on Me

  1. Karimps

    hayda oliver mrakab ras hmar

  2. Sam

    You are right and thanks for highlighting this…At least they are taking her out some families keep her home and lock the door on them…

  3. am so happy to read your post… i am willing to put good money on the table that the girl was never asked to sit down… if we are good at anything in Lebanon it is making sure that the blame never rests with ‘me’!

  4. Sandy

    I bet you that u never had a live-in help . It is easy to tut tut from ur table, I used to think like u untill I saw the silly drama that comes from actually having to deal with a live-in help. I would like to remind you that most of them have limited education and thus most of the time lack common sense. For myself I will never have one . I pass on having to live 24 hrs 7 days a week with someone who is not up to speed with everything. If I am gonna spell it , explain it , show it and then fix it , better just do it myself.
    Yes there are cruel employers but tut -tutting from ur table over something that u saw for 10 min out of context is of no value . Generalizing , stereotyping and judging from far away is easy and then writing an entire feedback based on it had no power to change anything.

    • Vrouyr

      Your comment suggests you lack a whole lot of education yourself.

    • Rakiya

      It’s unfortunate that you don’t seem to have any compassion for these people. I believe that employers who treat their maids as 2nd-class citizens, who show contempt for them, who cannot bear to “live” with them because they don’t meet their standards, who deride their lack of education as though it is a justification for rendering them invisible and unworthy of being respected and cared for, are far more of a threat than overtly cruel employers.

    • Nat

      just one question. If she was, lets say, a frensh girl and assuming you don’t know frensh, won’t you take your time trying to communicate, to teach her some Arabic words, and won’t complain?

    • Hoda

      It is a shame to still have people with such mentality

  5. Marly

    i think that even she didn’t want, they should have obliged her to eat and sit. Non sense of staying on her feet. as for the costume, i think she needs clothes, costume is for home use not outside

  6. Maha

    I read through the comments and agree with some and disagree with others. With regards to a uniform, most of them are happier saving their good clothes and wearing the uniform but I do agree that the uniform is for house use only.
    With regards to time off, I totally agree that they should not work 24/7 and should get a few hours off EVERY DAY not just a day off during the week. With the corruption we have in Jordan, I am not in agreement that they have to go out for their day off. I had a young girl who was with us for 4 years. I forced her to take a day off because she lives with em and my mother and we are both not young, whereby she is. She came back after her first day off and told me she did not want to go out again because it was too expensive and would rather save her money. So I started to give her an additional allowance for her day off. She fell in love with a Jordanian dude and eventually ran away with him leaving my immobile Mum sitting on her recliner alone at home while I was at work. I later found out she ran away with this Jordanian taxi driver who had promised her marriage but ended up putting her to work in a brothel……The Police Station called me a few months later and told me they had caught her and I had to go down and sign her release papers. That I did and she begged me to come back, saying I was a great “Madame” and that she was sorry…..so please don’t be fooled……not all of them have the sense nor the ethical characteristics and there is always 2 sides to the story. Don’t generalise because it is not always the fault of the employer….and as I said…..there are two sides to the story!

  7. bruno

    I’m a lawyer of Lebanese descent and practice human rights in Europe .
    l want to congratulate you on such an article . Sandy however , is a very ignorant person and I think the level of education she mentions , she do not even have yourself .

  8. Ray

    Start by the architects that build now in every house a “maids room”. Coffin is a better name for these rooms…

  9. DG

    I used to feel all the things you wrote above, but I recently got a maid to help with the house work as I had a baby. She worked 9 hours a day ONLY and had a day off every week. She was paid very well and we gave her everything she asked for. This is what happened:
    1. She asked to wear a uniform which I didn’t allow but she insisted.
    2. She always cut corners from her 9 hour shift when I wasnt looking.
    3. She wouldnt sit with the family at outtings no matter how much we insisted.
    4. She told all our stories to her old employers who informed us as well as telling us all their stories.
    5. She asked for emergency family leave after being with us for less than three months, we paid for a return ticket and she nevrr came back as she was pregnant from sleeping around on her off days.

    so yes there are always 2 sides, I agree that theres mistreatment of helpers but there is also mistreatment of employers. Keep that in mind.

    • Ban

      Yes, that does happen. Similar situations have happened to my family too. But that’s not because she was treated well – it’s because she was an unqualified employee.

    • lol

      Have you ever worked 9 hours a day, 6 days a week, with no breaks, in your entire life? Ever had to live with your employer, where “free time” means being locked in a closet one room away? I’m sure you’ve never asked your help to do something outside of her work hours, no, not you. And talking to people who aren’t you about her past work experiences! Wow, what a gossip. I’m sure you’ve never gossiped (telling the internet that your maid sleeps around isn’t gossiping because after all, she’s not a “real” person, right?).

      LOL, mistreatement of employers. How can you even see your keyboard through all that self righteousness?

    • Sofie

      I m so thrilled to know that people from lebanon cares about the respect that they should give it to their maids.What you are doing it is the right thing my friend… and good luck to elaborate with such topics to your people because it was about time that arabs should fall down from their little clouds and consider that black/ asians are living people…. and dont forget about karma

  10. Jessica

    Thank you thank you thank you for such an amazing article… You spoke what has been on my mind for the longest time ever…. And i agree with Bruno about Sandy no offence sandy but your as horrible as those people in the picture and talking about education ? Educate yourself!! we no longer live in the 30s slavery no longer exists its 2013 wake up! This person your referring as not so educated probably knows how to do things more than you and has a soft heart like a normal human!! These people are humans just like everyone else…a wise man once said “I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university.”—Albert Einstein we are all equal! Once again love this article keep them coming

  11. Bikerdude

    They are all human beings people! With issues, problems and the last thing they need is people to judge them.

  12. Nayla Saab

    Great article! I think you did the right thing by posting the picture. I’m glad you didn’t raise the issue at the restaurant though, because I believe that would have embarrassed her much more. Also I don’t think the restaurant is to blame. It’s none of their business. But I don’t see how anyone can justify such behavior. How could anyone believe that she refused to sit? These poor people are constantly humiliated in public, and treated as though they were invisible in social outings. People don’t even say hello to them. Waiters don’t give them menus or ask them what they want to eat or drink (that on the other hand, is shameful on the restaurant’s part).
    I happen to have young kids who go to birthday parties. Some of those poor girls are not even allowed to eat even when food is offered to them! I don’t know how people expect them to treat their kids well.

    This kind of humiliation can sometimes be even worse than physical abuse. Thanks for raising this issue. We badly need to make a change.

  13. Christian

    If I want a human being to work for me I am an employer. Being an employer comes with responsibilities. Health Care, proper shelter, some sort of a development plan for the person to advance in his/her life. Some sort of work-life balance, and some sort of a private life have to (or rather should) be provided.

    Domestic workers in Lebanon usually have a salary which is a joke (isn´t it US$ 100/month?). Even the little salary is routinely withheld to make sure the worker doesn´t disappear. Trapping them more, their passports are usually confiscated. There´s no way out without the employer´s consent. They´re made to work 24/7, abused, raped, god knows what else… Search the news for “maid suicide Lebanon”, you´ll get the picture.

    Do these “employers” think they´re god?

    People seem to routinely think that in Lebanon (and other Middle Eastern countries) you can have maids, while in Europe/USA you cannot. Well, that´s not true, you just have to properly pay them and respect their (actually enforcable) rights:

    In Switzerland a “domestic worker” comes with the pricetag of between CHF 2000 (~USD 2250) per month + own room + free food for an “au pair” girl, to CHF 4000 (~USD 4500) per month (minimum!) for a properly trained butler. Needless to say they have health care, social security, and when they feel unwell they´ll go to see the doctor instead of working. In their free time they can do whatever they want, and confiscating their passport would be a crime.

    A certain Muammar Gaddafi once abused a maid in his hotel room in Switzerland. This lead to Mr. Gaddafis arrest, the ensuing diplomatic row is legendary.

    I call upon the Lebanese to accept that, really, they cannot afford maids. Either they should be properly paid and treated, or not be employed at all.

    That´s — Civilisation vs. (You-Fill-In-The-Word)

  14. Nadine

    It’s true that some families do not treat their working ladies properly, but for most of them they insist on going out with the uniform to keep their new stuff bought by us till they go home, and for not sitting down they do it sometimes on purpose to attract attention no matter how many times you ask them to sit down…I used to think like you but with time totally changed my mind… the phillippinas (no offense) they know how to get their way… lived and worked with some in Lebanon and abroad, they use tears even if you put the light on…they drag you into their endless problems………….

    • jen

      Nadine ,
      We do things for a reason its either one of the side of a coin as it has two sides.Its not who is right or wrong,evil or saint,if there is something we have in common its what we call as humanity.Filipinos as you say to know to get their own way has two sides of motives no difference from other races.Filipinos might use tears but not, all some used sweat, working hard ,swallowing their pride just to support their family back home.For them to go work abroad they have to pay high price not only financially ,and emotionally …some even have a good degree finished in a good university but because of scarcity of job in their own country they have to find work somewhere else …including being a housemaid .Because if you compare the salary in the Philippines as a regular teacher to the value of money they earn abroad the difference is so huge…For Filipinos who uses tears and deception is a shame to the Filipino people but I believe that majority of Filipinos working abroad still have integrity and good work ethics…

      • Nadine

        sorry most of there “high diplomas” are fake !! have checked while working in the Gulf..they come explaining how they are coming to work at homes while they have a diploma from a university which after checking turned out to be fake… I do not want to compare.. I have lived with these people and had enough compassion with working people…the majority of the philipinos are fake..they just want people to sympathize with them so you can pay them extra money..although and sorry to have to say this i’m more than a fair person and helped a lot..but nothing is enough for them…there problem starts from starting to sleep around since they are 12 years old and having children and then they think your a billionaire and you should support their families…very greedy and hypocrites… I have dealt with them at all levels while working in the UAE…cleaning a window and a floor make them “sweating” !! what about the Lebanese guys or girls who work like hell for 1000 usd in the UAE !! at least they dont’ use drama… talk is easy but when you have lots of bad experiences with them… that’s another story…being philosophic is nice when having a cup of coffee but life is different !!… how come we don’t say the same about the ethipean ladies ! talking on the net is easy and judging but remember none of us know each other so please when giving judgements try to see other people’s point of view !! maybe they got hurt !!

  15. Mira

    I understand that they have rights like any other human being and deserves to be treated equally to us. On the other hand, it seems that lately in Lebanon we’re focusing more on that and forgetting to mention that sometimes it’s them who r forgetting that we’re human as well. I’ve always been very nice to my helpers and I always reminded myself that they have needs and rights etc.. And what did I get in return? 2days ago I found out that the girl I got to help me with my kids had tuberculosis and never mentioned anything to me although I asked her several times if she was feeling well coz she used to caugh a lot. She knew she had it and never said anything. instead she kept getting closer to my kids and coughed in the faces as if nothing wrong with her. Now my kids, husband and i all need to get tested for tuberculosis coz there is 50 percent chance she had transmitted the disease to us. I would never do such thing especially to little innocent kids. When I have the flu or sick, I always make sure to stay away from kids.

    The one I got before was very nice with my kids so I felt very lucky to have a helper like her and always made sure she was happy and treated well. She used to use my computer to send msgs to her husband and check her facebook page. She had her own phone and I always let her order what she would like to eat in a restaurant. And then, one afternoon she just disappeared and stole 1500$ from my husbands jacket. She was telling me how much she liked us just few hours before she ran away.

    • It’s never ok to steal money, but your logic on how you were nice because you let her order whatever she wanted in restaurants and therefore she shouldn’t have been stealing – uhm, so now you won’t let your maids eat what they want? it’s dangerous when we start to treat people like less than human beings, no matter what they do or who they are.

      • Mira

        She can eat whatever she wants at my place. I always tell them feel free to take anything from the fridge. But ur boss is not supposed to take u out and invite u in a restaurant. Even when u go out with friends and family we share the restaurant bills. That’s y I consider myself doing something extra when I give her the menu and let her order whatever she wants.

      • Nadine

        well a friend of mine every time she handed the lady working for her the menu she picked up the most expensive thing on the menu even she wouldn’t order for herself !!!! they are cheap and never get enough….come on you make us sound like we are cheap people and you fighting for human rights !! hold your horses and enough “falsafee” each handle his own thing… we can be fair but if she wants to seduce a guy sitting over the other table which they do a lot by making themselves poor and weak its not my fault !! it happens…. reality !! then she ends up stealing from your purse even if you give her a bonus !!!

      • Christian

        Now that you are so nice to “let them choose what they want to eat” (how nice is that?) I have some simple “yes” or “no” questions for you:

        1. Does the (separate?) room where your maid stays have a window?
        2. Does your maid keep her passport and would she be free to leave the country at any time?
        3. Does she have health insurance and is she free to see the doctor at any time?
        4. Do you develop her skills in some way, so there can be hope to advance to a higher position at a later stage in her life?

        If you answer “no” to any of these, then I´m sorry: You shouldn´t be employing them.

    • lol

      Mira, does your maid have health insurance? What would have happened if she told you that she has TB? Would you have fired her to get her away from your children? People make unwise decisions when faced with harsh realities, but she made a decision to survive. You’ve forgotten that she is human and is at a huge disadvantage in society.

  16. Tania Hosn

    Hats off to you for writing this. Racism is so prevalent in our society it’s almost sickening. Lebanon still has a long long way to go for it to be classified as civilized.

  17. Pingback: Me, An Ignorant White Person | Sweden and the Middle East Views

  18. Sebastian Krook

    This is such an important and well written piece. Thank you for bringing this up for discussion. What you have done (and this is rarely done), is lent a voice to those who are vulnerable, and brought an injustice to the attention of the undeservedly privileged. The privileged mostly hate hearing about these things, things that challenge their existing lifestyles and the prevailing social order. They will tell you “but WE treat our maid well”, “it is the MAID who insists on wearing a uniform/not eating/working all the time”, “it is the MAID who cuts corners”, “but they have it better here than in their own countries”, “they CHOSE to come here”, or my favourite “there are always two sides to a story”.

    The uncomfortable truth for the self-entitled privileged urban Beirutis is that there is only ONE side to the story of systematic inequality in the “maid society”. Thank you for sharing this important story.

  19. joey magale

    based on the picture i saw, i dont think so that she insisted for not sitting …hey, r u blind? f they really kind they should let her sit. but to be fair there should always be 2 sides but to think that mployers should treat there helper as human. as a part of family…if there r some abuse if ur good to them please dont generalized because as far as i know we r all equal we all have our own rights individually….and to think that being EDUCATED or NOT how come they can go to other country without being educated HELLO???????? they have families in there country which they leave just to earn for the future of there loveones comparing to u that u stayed ur loveones be thankful that ur not living ur life like them …its not there fault that there life is so hard but treated them as human since they served ur family with love & care i think its not a big deal to be FAIR

  20. i am a helper as well here in h0ngk0ng,..these really happens to the girl in the picture its because s0me reas0n is that they are afraid to the empl0yer…..having a sleep with only 2-3hrs is to0 much abuse in our part..i have experienced these to my former employer before in which u really cant sitdown,.take a go0d meal but before anything else that i will get sick i break my c0ntract its because i d0nt want to get sick & i d0nt want to waste my life to such a horrible empl0yer like my former employer….but n0w i am thankful having a g0od employer in w/c they treat u as a family member im 4yrs.w0rking with them already…but i believe n0t every empl0yer is bad also have a g0od 0ne,.likewise to the empl0yees..

  21. Very well written. To be very honest I find it appalling that at this day an age people are still being treated like slaves. Of course this goes on on many levels all over the world everything from the chinese that make our phones to under payed employees that make clothes and so on but the question is why? Why still in this so called moralistic and advanced world are people still being treated so unfairly? How lazy can people be? And what sort of children are we raising if mummy cant be bothered to have a simple lunch without taking an assistant? I am all for having help where needed but I also find it very important to interact with a child, not only to develop his or her communication skills but also to give this child a chance in realizing what a real society is based on. I think that there should be new laws in lebanon, like in all civilized societies where the working man or woman gets paid properly and fairly and where he or she not only gets benefits for the work that he/she does, but also a chance to live like a human being not like an inferior being in a tiny room with no time off and no privacy. Goes to show how far we are from any sort of change and any sort of cultural advancement. Because at the end of the day this is all a lack of culture and “class”.. not the so called “class” that comes with owning the right bag, jewelry and car. . But the type of class that people have when it comes to dealing with other human beings.

  22. jen

    This issue stirs a lot of humans emotion.I can see hurt,compassion,anger and more but their is one that get my attention the most…… its the question of change…This time of technology has its advantage and its disadvantage i know we all know what I mean.For the person who wrote this post my sincere respect ,I dont know whom i heard or read this but i strongly stand in this word of wisdom…..CHANGE STARTS IN US AS AN INDIVIDUAL ….

  23. Nadine

    the article has a lot of “falsafe” you finished discussing all issues in Lebanon and worried about working home ladies !!!.. yes I agree you meddling in other people’s lives and you better have picked another subject… there is nothing called as human rights not in Lebanon not in the USA !! what is human rights is a bunch of people having a cup of coffee and dreaming of Mars….. w tonzeeeeer… we need something valid…something useful !!! I cannot go to philipine and teach people to hold responsibility to educate their children not to sleep around and have kids before 21 !!! I cannot teach them to plant other than rice !!! I can’t teach them to have some dignity !! I cannot teach them not to sleep 4 couples in one room with only a sheet separating them !! I cannot ask them not to send money to their aunts and uncles for their culture says so !! I work like hell and if they are in our houses because we need them we are fair with money we are fair with working hours we respect them but its not my duty to carry their problems !! y3ne take it easy…want to do good there’s a lot of orphans to help them !! these are facts live and went through by a lot of people I know in Lebanon and outside !!…. enough falsafeee

    • Pierre

      Waw, how could a human being reach such a level of cruelty and indifference? (and this is not falsafeeeee, this is disgust).

    • Nayla Saab

      My God! Listen to yourselves people!!! I can’t believe that anyone can be so inhuman and insensitive!!! How can you generalise and say all Filipinos are greedy, fake, thieves, hypocrites, easy, etc. And I’m sorry it’s actually funny that anyone would think that someone would go through the trouble of faking a diploma just to play the victim!!
      These people are much more respectful than those of you who think that way and who allow yourselves to make such statements and generalisations.
      And if you view them this way, then why do you get them to work for you and allow them to live under your roofs and influence your children. That’s hypocrisy!! Double standards.
      I happen to employ two Filipino ladies, one of which has been with my family for 9 years and the other for 4. I have not had any issues with them and I will not go on to brag about how I “allow them” to eat whatever they want or treat them well. This is my duty. These girls are helping me raise my children and they are part of my family, and it is not a favour I’m doing them if I’m respecting them and giving them their rights. And if I ever have issues with them or any conflict, I just deal with them like I would any other employee. And if I’m not happy with their performance I can only take away their job, but by no means do I have the right to take away their dignity or their freedom.
      It’s gonna take years for people with such a mentality to develop, if ever. It’s really a pity…

  24. Lara

    A situation is just a situation. Only our perception makes it worth of judgement! Pain in inevitable but suffering is optional. How long we drag that pain is only up to us. Every situation in life is a new opportunity to choose who we want to be and how we show up.

    Anger, victimization, self doubts and self worth are always the gremlins that will try to talk us out of our greatness! So I would say let us raise our awareness and choose at every moment who we want to be.

  25. Abdelrhman

    Shame on all .. we forget our traditions our treatment .. if we shame on all not only for these woman but for all what happen around us from the street children till the grandfathers who’s left on there bed without a thank word or a help hand ..
    what u did from taking these photo is what it must did but after you turn over and give theme an opening smiling conversation then ask them for there helper woman and give them suggesting cause the human being don’t like the order or the advice .. if they didn’t request for your suggesting here’s you take a picture and share it online .

  26. Judith

    Shame on all of us.

  27. Lebanese (and other countries, too) will continue to exploit the poor and undereducated because they CAN. Paying these people $100/month for 6 long days of work per week, is reprehensible, regardless of how much money that equates in their country of origin. This allows the Lebanese to live a very privileged lifestyle that they could never afford if they had to hire people from their country/culture. I equate it with our slavery in the 18th and 19th century in the American south. The only way the south could prosper was with slave labor;once it was abolished, the southern way of life vanished. If the Lebanese had to pay their help a living wage, their lifestyle would disappear too.

  28. Jehan Saleh

    Im moved. Thanks for sharing this. All too often I see the help treated less than. It is absolutely appauling. Human rights need to be addressed here.

  29. I am from Europe and working as a domestic in Lebanon. It is of my own choice to wear uniform whole day even on shopping because I am at service at that moment. Madam does not force me to wear a uniform.

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